thedarksidecometh.freeforums.org

Note: I do not own the copyright to these characters. They are the property of the illustrious Stephenie Meyer. I am only borrowing them to mock her. I will make no money from this posting, but hopefully will earn a chuckle or two.

The Cullens have a Group meeting to air their grievances about the Twilight Saga

Carlisle: SM, it pains me to have to tell you that we are breaking off our association with you effective immediately.

SM: What? But I have a book contract for Midnight Sun! You can’t! I have another two movies coming out! And 16 books in the making! And Twilight sheets with your faces on them!

Carlisle: Actually we’ve had this planned since 2003 when we saw your stories of us become increasingly erratic. We tried reading them several times like you suggested but they did not get better with time. If you want what is best for us, then you will understand that this is what was meant to be. Besides the voices from the Dark Side are telling us it’s time. Now my other family members have issues they would like to convey to you explaining our decision.

Emmett: Did you have to make me a complete meathead? I’m like Mikey from the Life Cereal Commercial on Steroids. And why would you make me so passive when my wife is depicted as being a complete b**ch? That’s uncool. Rosie’s an angel, my little spitfire. What made you think I would put up with her acting like a shrew? Sex that you never mention?

SM: But I needed a strong silent type cardboard character and you fit the bill!

Bella: I’m sorry, but frankly I’ve been appalled to see you transform me from an ordinary girl to a pathetic cringing whiny creature terrified at being alone. I hate myself so much after reading your work I was routing for the Volturi, the Werewolves, and the vampires to kill me. And what you did to my character in BD is absolutely jaw droppingly ludicrous. What’s with the passive Bella routine? If Edward EVER offered me up for sex with Jacob in exchange for an abortion by the time I got finished with him Jane would be looking pretty attractive. Do you really think if I *did* have a baby that I would hand her over to be raised by her future husband without a whimper? And don’t get me started on that birth scene. And how many times can you use the word chagrin? Ever heard of a thesaurus? And I would never be caught hunting in couture and HEELS. Gah!

Rosalie: So let me see if I’ve got this straight. You give me a juicy scene with Bella in Eclipse hoping to make me less of a Harlequin b**ch clone, and then I disappear for the rest of the book? And then I’m suddenly lovey dovey in a symbiotic relationship with Bella waiting for her mythical child to snap her spine so I can raise it on my own? Ewww? Don’t you remember that you wrote my character as LOYAL?

Jasper: Two words: Jazz Hands. (Sends wave of anger to SM). And I go all postal on Bella in NM over a simple papercut and now she’s spouting geysers of blood and I’m fine?

SM: But I got confused! I’m sorry I was writing 110 books at once. Please give me another chance? Say it isn’t so!

Alice: I go from superpowrful and kick-Ass in Eclipse to whiny shopaholic with a constant migraine in BD. Vampires can’t GET migraines. And for crying out loud could you at least give me something to do other than play dress up with Bella? I have 10 college degrees. A profession would be nice.

SM: But the voices made me do it!

Edward: Thanks to you my honeymoon with my beloved was nearly ruined by screaming hoards of Twilight Mothers and Fangirlz. Honestly, do these women have any idea of what would happen if I actually DID the sick things they are requesting to them? And how you portrayed my behavior in BD was simply ungentlemanly. I really do hate myself now.

SM: But I was trying to show the depths of your love for Bella, how desperate you were!

Edward: Desperate does not mean forgetting my respect for my wife and my love for her. And what’s up with me eating her uterus? That’s so distasteful. And highly improper to put in a book aimed at children. And don’t even get me started on the dismembered pillows and shattered headboards. Have you ever heard of the urban dictionary? I’m now the subject of parodies all over the web thanks to you.

SM: But at least you’re hot! And Sexy! Kiss my neck! Bite me!

Esme: Dear lord she’s become a Fem-Bot. Somebody stop her!!!

SM: Leaps for Edward screaming, “Edwancho!!!!”

Bella flicks her away with her pinkie

Men in white coats appear and drag her off in a straightjacket.

Bella says: Well, now I can finish going to college. Anyone want to hear me beg Edward for sex in exchange for my tuition money?

Oh God, this is SO wonderful! Absolutely loved it!
"But the voices made me do it!" Priceless!

loved this! But they're not just bad in BD! Only Rosalie turns bad, and btw Jane is supposed to be pretty. Uh, Bella's whiny in all books, Alice is a dresser-up in all books, and Edward is creepie in all books. Jacob and Rosalie freaked in BD, which was totally the worst.
BUT LOVED THIS!!! ur brilliant.

Highly Entertaining....Very laughable, and alsmost beleive that would be what the characters would say to her....lmao....well written too

MadHatterLovesAlice wrote:Highly Entertaining....Very laughable, and alsmost beleive that would be what the characters would say to her....lmao....well written too

Thanks so much, I had waaay too much fun writing it.

... hilarious. just hilarious. would you be willing to fledge this out into a longer fanfiction?

belle28147 wrote:... hilarious. just hilarious. would you be willing to fledge this out into a longer fanfiction?

I have in a way. I'm working on one now called Cullenary Coupling.

i <3 CC... especially SSE he's hilarious

belle28147 wrote:i <3 CC... especially SSE he's hilarious

Many thanks. Starched Shirt Edward would like you to know he's praying for your soul.
Best,
Books

aww SSE! i <3 uuuu too! thankksss